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Close But No Cigar
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Jillian was her nameShe was sweeter than aspartameHer kisses reconfigured my DNAAnd after that I never was the sameAnd I loved her even more thanMarlon Brando loved souffléShe was gorgeous, she was charmingYeah, she was perfect in every wayExcept she was always using the word "infer"When she obviously meant "imply"And I know that somw guys can put up with that kinda thingBut frankly, I can't imagine whyAnd I told her, I said "Hey"Are we playin' horseshoes, honey?No I don't think we areYou're close (close) but no cigarThen I met sweet young JanetPrettiest thing on the planetHad a body hotter than a HabañeroShe had lips like a ripe pomegranateAnd I was crazy like Manson about herShe got me all choked up like Mama CassShe had a smile so incredibly radiantYou had to watch it through a piece of smoked glassI thought after all these years of searching aroundI'd found my soulmate finallyBut one day I found out she actually owned a copyOf Joe Dirt on DVDOh no, I said "Hey"Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo?No, I don't think we areYou're close (close), aw, so very close (close)Yeah baby, you're close (close), so close, but no cigarAw yeah, aw no, aw yeah, aw no, aw rightJulie played water poloShe wore a ribbon on her left ManoloShe had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was nearMy heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich soloAnd she was everything I've dreamed ofShe moved right up to number one on my listAnd did I mention she's a world-famous billionaireBikini supermodel astrophysicist?Yeah, she's so pretty she made Charlize TheronLook like a big, fat, slobberin' pigThe only caveat was one of her earlobes was justA little tiny bit too bigI said "Hey"Are we doin' government work here?No, I don't think we areYou're close (close), so very, very close (close)Aw baby, you're close (close), so close, but no cigarMissed it by that much (no cigar)Aw yeah, aw right (no cigar)Really, really, really close, but no cigar
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